Hello, friends! Are you stuffed up, run-down, miserable? Are your allergies something to sneeze at? Had enough of this nasal nonsense? Well buck up, buckers! I have personally collected ideas to push you through pollen season. The answers to all your problems is in this little blog post…..
Practice your sneezes
This is the perfect opportunity to practice the sweet sound of your sneeze. Vary the pitch, tone, and force of your sneeze. Try a cute little sneeze or a great, booming gale-force. (Confession: I’m thinking of a great scene from The Golden Girls, check it out here for a quick chuckle.) And who said that “ACHOO” is the only sneeze sound out there? Startle/impress passerby with “ET TU!” (if it’s good enough for Caesar…) or express your thrilling sneeze with a big ol’ “WAHOO!”
Or, you could always blow your nose around a baby and see if anything as cute as this happens.
Embrace your inner curmudgen
As long as you’re feeling this warm and fuzzy hatred towards flowers and grass, you might as well go full-grouch and indulge in a grumpy free-for-all. Make loud gagging noises when you spot public displays of affection. (Claim that your mucus is the result of their grossness.) Mutter rude-but-true comments. (Does your blutetooth make you feel important? Because you’re not.) Tell those neighbor kids to stay off your lawn. Wear a ratty bathrobe all day, eat ice cream out of the carton, and sniff your nose at perky people who cheerfully proclaim that they’ve never experienced springtime allergies. (They should be killed.)
You sound funny, therefore you are funny
When you can’t breathe, all your sharp letters turn into round ones. Vs turn into Bs, Ts lose all their oomph (or would that be toomph?), and As pop up on the end of words where they have no business being. “I hab bad allergies. I dona feel good. I cana breathe. Will medicine help? I doud id.” Okay, you sound ridiculous. But one person’s weird way of talking is another’s comedic gold. Being nasal worked for Fran Drescher, didn’t it? Or hey–pretend your stuffed-up-ness is an accent from an exotic faraway locale. Everyone will think you’re one wild and crazy guy!
Become a kleenex expert/model
Take the time to test the softness of kleenex. You could be doing generations of tissue users a favor. Your epic contributions to kleenex research will be the stuff of legends. In fact, your story will replace that of the Princess and the Pea. (All that chick did was feel a pea underneath a bed. Her schnauz wasn’t even involved!) Next, you’ll want to work on kleenex as fashion. Take a cue from grandmas everywhere, and make kleenex-up-the sleeve fashionable. You’ll be all the rage with the blue-haired crowd.
Wink, wink-Nudge nudge
When your eyes are itching like crazy, resist the urge to rub them like Lady Macbeth, and instead use this opportunity to wink at anyone who happens to be around. You’ll either make a new friend with your sexy wink or convince people that you have an uncontrollable, slightly creepy twitch. How do you like them odds?