Interpreting Dog Thoughts….Or, Why I’m One Bark Away from Being a Crazy Dog Lady

1 Aug

I had to take my dog Mona Lisa to the vet the other day and because I am a mystical, empathetic, imaginative person, I could hear every little thought that ran through her head.

Leaving the house:

Oh boy! We’re going somewhere without the other dogs! I’m special! I always knew it! Hurry! Hurry! FASTER.

In the car:

Are you sure I can’t drive? I want to drive. Here, I’ll just…..hey! I don’t want to be in the backseat! Hey! Hey! I don’t want to be back here! Hey–oh! You put the window down! You know, there’s nothing better than sticking your head out and….ahhhhhhhhhh. 

Driving up my grandma’s street:

Oh boy, we’re going to Grandma’s house! I love Grandma’s house! How many cookies do you think she’ll give me? Oh, I can’t wait! First I’m going to lick her feet, and then I’m going to lick her face, and then I’m going to sit on her lap, and then…..hey! Wait! You didn’t turn! Grandma’s house is back there! Oh no. Where are we going? Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no. Oh Dog. Where are you taking me? WHERE??

Almost at the vet’s:

Oh Dog. I know where we’re going. Oh no. Oh please. Hey. Let me out! Let me out! I’m not going back to that place! Don’t ignore me! I’m back here! Turn around! 

In the waiting room:

Oh Dog oh Dog oh Dog oh Dog. Hey, listen, I know I don’t always come when you call me. I’ll do better. Just take me home. I’ll be good, I swear. Please! 

When someone else walked in the room:

Hey! Hey you! Do you want  a dog? I’m a really good dog! I’ll go home with you, no problem. Oh, her? No, I’ve never seen her before in my life. Just take me home, handsome. 

When the vet came out to take her to a back room:

Ahhhhh! Stay away from me! Devil! Monster! Cat! Get back! You–Girl! I will never forgive you for this! Never! Never!  Are you LEAVING? Are you just going to LEAVE me here? Come back here! Come back here this minute!

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7 Responses to “Interpreting Dog Thoughts….Or, Why I’m One Bark Away from Being a Crazy Dog Lady”

  1. But That's For Another Blog August 1, 2011 at 11:51 am #

    HA! Love this, recently took my cat to the vet and it pretty much went just like this… only with pictures ;D

    • Oh My Words! August 3, 2011 at 9:50 pm #

      Pictures? That’s even better! How’d you manage that? And how can I see them?? 🙂

  2. Deborah the Closet Monster August 2, 2011 at 4:57 am #

    My dog’s about to go in for his third vet appointment in a month, thanks to persistent ear infection. Oh, how accurate this is! And also fun. 😉 I especially loved:
    Hey, listen, I know I don’t always come when you call me. I’ll do better. Just take me home.

    Negotiation strategies: not just for hominids!

    • Oh My Words! August 3, 2011 at 9:51 pm #

      Awww your poor pup! I hope he feels better soon!

      Oh yes, my Mona negotiates like a beast! 😉

  3. Kim Pugliano August 2, 2011 at 7:42 am #

    AWESOME!!!

  4. lexy3587 August 4, 2011 at 7:31 am #

    Hilarious! Your poor puppy, no grandma-face-licking time 😛
    my dog’s version, once we’re nearing the vet’s office is, “Ohboyoboyoboy! we’re going to the place! the place with the cookies and my fans?! We’re going to see my fans! My beautiful cookie-giving harem-lady fans!”
    and then he drags me towards the vet’s office as though he can see dancing roast chickens frolicing in a swimming pool of dog treats through the window. and he drags his feet on the way out, as though begging to just be left there… “only for a while… it’ll be fine… i’d rather stay here, where the treats are. you can come visit me in my new home”
    And this is even after I had to leave him there overnight for getting deballed. He loves the vets office with a disturbing amount of passion.

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