Tag Archives: humor

It’s Funny, ‘Cause It’s True

6 May

Words I’ve heard lately…

Little boy selling lemonade to raise money for his school:
“Help inspire me to be a good person!”

Electrician on the phone, trying to get a new part for our stove:
“I need a plug. Plug. Plug! P-l-a-g! Plug!”

X-ray technician at the doctor’s office:
“Your grandmother will need to remove all clothing from the waist up. Is she wearing…is she, uh…is she strapped…um….bra?”

Starbucks customer:
“I’d like something that will get me through ’til the end of the day….grande…and non fat milk.”

 Neighbor children playing in their yard:
“Boom! Boom! You’re dead!”
“Mom said we couldn’t kill each other! I’m not dead!”
“Boom! Boom! You’re fired!”

Man in the grocery store, talking on his cell phone:
“Can’t you pick him up? I’m at the grocery store right now. Yes, shopping! What do you mean? Well, so far–beer. What? We were out of beer!”

Cheerful mailwoman:
“Congratulations, you’ve got mail!”

HAPPY FRIDAY!

If My Dogs Wrote Haikus

13 Apr

I’ve tried to train you
but still, you sit on my couch
No! Bad human! bad!

 

You smell like a dog.
You smell like another dog.
Scoundrel! Traitor! Slut!

 

I dream of running
of chasing squirrels and such
Wake me if you dare.

 

We’re out for a walk
Look! Here comes another dog.
My sidewalk! All mine!

 

You’ve been gone so long!
It’s been years and years and years.
Now, the world is right.


Noise! I hear a noise!

Do you hear it? Do you? Huh?
Why do you shush me? 

 

Don’t insult me, please.
That dog is just on t.v
I know that, you fool.

 

My bowl is empty.
Your plate is full of good food.
The universe sucks.

 

I have a big day.
Nap, bark, eat, play, nap, nap, nap
Whew! Workaholic!

When Your Soul and Your Foot Fall Asleep

21 Mar

My right foot and my soul fell asleep at work today. Boring, hope-sucking projects will do that. Here’s what I did to wake them up:

  • I stomped on the floor several times, really hard (with my foot, not my soul–ouch), like a horse trying to communicate. This made one of my coworkers look over curiously. Interestingly, this is the same co-worker with whom I have a secret work language. “How are you?” we ask each other. We actually mean “How do you feel about work right now?” Accordingly, the responses range from “I’m pretty good” to “Need. Chocolate. Now.” and untranslatable noises. So when she looked over at me and my stomping foot, I’m afraid she may have thought that I had upped our language to the next level–morse code. I hope I haven’t established a new precedence, because I’d hate to have to learn how to stomp “chocolate” or “help” or “tell me it’s not Monday.”
  • I ate my emergency candy. This chocolate was only to be eaten in cases of extreme crisis, and after much consideration and careful thought, I ripped into that sucker like the tasmanian devil. My soul needed that chocolate fix! After the initial taste, I tried to be like Charlie (of Willy Wonka fame) and only eat a little bit every once in awhile–to preserve the chocolately goodness and stretch the enjoyment out. But my self-control is minimal when it comes to chocolate. I’ve now decided that your name must be Charlie and your grandparents must all sleep in the same bed if you hope to achieve true chocolate rationing. 
  • I worked on a different assignment for a little while. In theory, this was a great idea–a way to avoid work, but still get work done. But my distraction turned out to be an article on bakeries that needed fact-checked and edited. This meant looking at pictures of  gorgeous, scrumptious cakes and reading mouth-watering descriptions of baked goods. Since my last bit of work chocolate was now a distant memory, this was cruel…cruel indeed.  
  • I took a ten minute break and walked around the outside of the building. It was pouring rain and I had no umbrella, so I mean I actually walked the outside of the building, following it’s shape and staying under the two-foot eave all the way around. It was nice to breathe a little fresh air (it’s a small office with, shall we say, unique smells) and look at natural light instead of computer light. But I felt a little like a crazy person, following the outline of the building and muttering to myself. (Did I mention that I was muttering? I’m telling you, it was that kind of project.) There aren’t too many other tenants in this office space, but I did pass a few who happened to be sitting right at their windows. Maybe they, too, were bored to the point of physical and emotional (spiritual?) paralysis. If so, I’d like to think that I provided a brief distraction–maybe even a wake-up call. At the very least, they could watch me hobble past and think “At least I’m not an intern.”
  • I thought about the project and my foot and my soul and decided yeah, I can blog about this.

 And that’s when I started to feel tingles in my foot and my soul.

Dear Other Drivers: You Suck

3 Mar

Dear Other Drivers,

As I was driving to work in the rain today, it came to my attention that you all suck. You alternated between speeding in the torrential downpour and slamming on the brakes for no apparent reason. I suspect that the speeding is due to you ignoring the rain and trying to get to your destination as fast as possible. Are you really that eager to get to work? Here’s a thought–if you had left home a little bit earlier, you wouldn’t have to zip around like your fender is on fire. (Which it very well could be, if you’re the drivers from Hell that I believe you are.) I suspect that the sudden stops are because you were occupied with something else you shouldn’t have been doing. Lady Talking on Cell Phone and Guy Combing His Hair–I’m looking at you. Oh, and Mom With Two Kids in The Backseat? I’m concerned about the lessons your little ones are learning. Monkey see, monkey do, and all that.

Learning experiences are good, and I have a little bit of teacher in me, so allow me to impart some knowledge on you. The turn signal is not only used for turning, but also to indicate when you are changing lanes. It’s a handy thing, the turn signal. It gives the other drivers (with whom you’re sharing the road) a heads up that you will be zooming into their lane. Without it, you and your car appear to rudely cut in front of the other good souls on the road. I promise you that those you cut off will curse you and curse at you 99.9% of the time. I, for example, become very creative when I am mad at other drivers. “I hope you’re impotent!” is my favorite thing to throw their way. Or, “I hope there’s no parking where you’re going!” Sometimes I swear in Italian or make crazy, elephant-like noises. Or I steal from the wordbank of a friend of mine and stick to the satisfying, but less salty, “Swine!” 

You should also know that in California when you need to turn on your windshield wipers, you’re legally required to also turn on your headlights. It’s not an urban legend. If you don’t believe me, it’s in the California Driver’s Handbook. And you know what? It just makes sense–especially for you swine who don’t signal. Maybe your lights will help alert other drivers and save you from baldness and stepping in gum in your good shoes. (I forgot–those are some more of my curses.)

Yes, I know it’s been raining very hard–but c’mon! The rest of the country already makes fun of us for our pampered weather (nevermind that Northern California can actually get quite cold). If you can’t drive safely and responsibly in the rain then what would you have done if it had actually snowed last week? Picture it: a scene of utter chaos where ignorant drivers bring about the death of Justin Bieber, the rise of mutant Republican zombies, and the detachment of California from the rest of the country. Yep, it could happen….and all because of YOU, bad drivers.

You have now been educated, informed, and ranted at. I now feel that I have helped the needy. Now you can help the less fortunate (i.e. anyone who drives near you) by shaping up and driving like a person with a brain.

Respectfully yours,

The Girl in the White Honda That You Almost Hit

The 5 Stages of Cleaning

2 Mar

  1. Optimism
    This isn’t that bad. I can totally do this. I’ll put some peppy music on, pull my hair back, push up my sleeves. I’ll bet I can get this done in 2 hours, tops. I am good!
  2. Devastation
    MY. GOD. There’s no end to the mess! Who am I kidding? I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this. Where did it all come from? Where do I put it? Why do I have one red shoelace? Why am I keeping every birthday card I’ve ever gotten? Ewww–why is there so much dust under the bed? This is horrible. HORRIBLE! The end is not near! What do I do? What is to become of me? Panic! PANIC!
  3. Avoidance
    Okay, breathe. I’ll just take a little break. I need to detox. I’m hungry–I should eat lunch. I’ll be more motivated to clean once I’m fed. Maybe I’ll turn the tv on while I’m eating. I don’t want to eat alone, it will be a nice little bit of company. Oh, and the dogs probably need walked. I’ll just eat a little something, watch a little something, and walk the dogs. All necessary.
  4. Guilt
    Oh no–it HASN’T been 2 hours, has it? What am I doing? I should have been cleaning this whole time! I’m so bad! I can’t stick to anything! I said I would be done by now–I’ve wasted time! I can’t do anything else now–this is hanging over my head. Bad Bad Bad!
  5. Resourcefulness
    I’ll just jam things under the bed. Yeah…nobody’s going to look under the bed. And the closet! I’ll put everything in the closet and close the door! Piles! I’ll make piles! They look neater than everything just spread out everywhere….maybe it will look like my piles are part of a system. What are cupboards and drawers and closets for, if not to hide all this crap?

A Quick Word on Confession and Techy Catholics…

22 Feb

Are you technologically savvy and down with G-O-D? Do you live your daily life with an iphone in your pocket and a burden of guilt in your heart? Do you pray for more opportunities to clear your conscience?

There’s an App for that!

If you haven’t heard, the latest apple-related news that has Catholics abuzz has nothing to do with Eve or her rib-less beau. Recently, a Confession iphone app has become available to iphone and ipad users.  For a mere $1.99, users receive:

– Custom examination of Conscience based upon age, sex, and vocation (single, married, priest, or religious)
– Multiple user support with password protected accounts
– Ability to add sins not listed in standard examination of conscience
– Confession walkthrough including time of last confession in days, weeks, months, and years
– Choose from 7 different acts of contrition

Keep in mind that the Vatican is not embracing this idea of confession with a techy twist. “I must stress to avoid all ambiguity, under no circumstance is it possible to ‘confess by iPhone,'” said spokesman Federico Lombardi.

Even with the Vatican frown of disapproval (careful! your face will freeze that way!), the punchlines for this whole iconfess situation practically write themselves. My favorite so far comes from boingboing“Finally! A way to confess your sins with one hand while possibly still committing them with the other.”