The Guardian Goddess and the Handypeople

15 Jul

I am the gatekeeper


Alternative titles for this post would be Kitchen Nightmares or Why I Am Becoming a Rapper

We’re having our kitchen partially remodeled. That means plumbers, tile-layers, and various handymen have been trooping through the house for weeks. (I’m waiting for the day when a professional handywoman arrives to help. Sidenote: Did you know that “handywoman” isn’t even a recognized word? Go ahead, go to dictionary.com and look it up ….. Did you do it?? Did you notice that poor dictionary.com thought perhaps you were confused? Did you mean handyman? it asks. Hmph.)

I’ve been playing the role of guardian-gatekeeper for all these skilled workers. I open doors, I point the way to the kitchen, I keep the “guard dogs” from attacking them. All I’ve been missing is a flowing toga dress and a sphinx. Maybe I should have had them all address me as Madame Goddess or something equally catchy, with an almighty ring to it.

I realize this will come as no surprise to anyone who has ever waited for a repairman of any kind, but I’ve been particularly annoyed by the schedules of everyone I’ve dealt with. “We’ll be there between 8 and 9” can mean an arrival time of 8:59, 9:45, or even 11. One day I woke up extra early so I could get my coffee fix, deal with the dogs, make sure their workplace was clean–then I waited. And waited. And waited.

As it happens, I’m doing some freelance work right now. I don’t have the strict 9-5 workday of most people, so I’m supremely qualified to be guardian-gatekeeper. But  just because I’m home, doesn’t mean I’m twiddling my thumbs. You, Mr. Electrician/Repairman/Etc. were not called to the house because I was bored. It’s annoying enough to be given a window of time, only a vague idea, to expect you. If you miss that window? The guardian-gatekeeper will not be pleased. She might even sic her terriers terrors on you, or take a cue from Mulan’s Mushu: “Dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family!” Or….she might talk in the third person and vent on her blog. That’s right–tremble.

You, dear reader, also probably won’t be shocked to learn that everything that could go wrong with this kitchen project, has. The tile people ran out of tile and had to order more, stretching the estimated completion date again and again. (I’m a bit confused why this happened, since the various layouts they did should have given them an idea about how much tile they needed…But then, I’m just a lowly gatekeeper.) This, of course, pushed the electrician back. The plumber ran into lots of plumbing problems. We lived without a stove, without a sink, and with only a few functioning electrical outlets. It was like camping, but with a roof. It was like living a few decades ago, but with a microwave. Okay, I can’t come up with an appropriate comparison–but it was annoying.

Yesterday, the tile-man put tile on the left side of our refrigerator. He thought it was a wall. Now we have, essentially, a bedazzled fridge.

The tile-man who decided that it made sense to put tile on a refrigerator did not seem particularly disturbed once his error was pointed out. I was expecting an apology, embarrassment, anything that would indicate an acknowledgement of the situation. Nope. Nada. As someone who takes mistakes to heart and lets them fester and turn into guilt compost, it boggles my mind that a person can shrug, scratch their head, and move on.

The fridge’s tile can’t come off without ruining the area. So, either we need to start a tile-on-the-refrigerator trend, or I need to become a rapper.

Because I’m pretty sure rappers have tile on their fridges.

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11 Responses to “The Guardian Goddess and the Handypeople”

  1. Deli Lanoux, Ed.D. July 15, 2011 at 12:57 pm #

    Hahahaha… Absolutely hilarious, especially since we’ve been talking about re-tiling the floors.

    • Oh My Words! July 18, 2011 at 11:57 am #

      Oh heavens–good luck to you and your floors! Try to remain strong!

      Glad you liked the post! 🙂

  2. WobblyWords July 15, 2011 at 7:51 pm #

    I say try the toga and demand to be addressed as Madame Goddess! It at least sounds like a better time for you 🙂 As for the tile on the fridge…

    hahahahahahahahahaha…… haaaaaaaahahahahahhahahahaaaaa!!!

    Bling-blinging now, you are! I hope he’s giving you a discount!

    • Deborah the Closet Monster July 16, 2011 at 5:49 am #

      Love this entry, and seconding the last paragraph of the comment above. I’d love to know what was going on in his brain. It might seem cynical, but working in contracts has me suspicious it was, “Mo bling, mo money. No matter where the bling goes!”

      Next stop: million dollar glitter toilet!

      • Oh My Words! July 18, 2011 at 12:00 pm #

        yes, the glitter toilet is a must after the tricked-out fridge! haha
        You know, I think you’re right–I think they thought if they used more tile, they could charge more. Who knows? Grrr.

    • Oh My Words! July 18, 2011 at 11:58 am #

      Oh they’re giving us a discount all right–they just don’t know it yet. Honestly, some people……

  3. Sydney July 16, 2011 at 4:42 am #

    Here the UK, handypeople give you a window of 8am to 5pm… Drives me nuts!

    The tiles on the fridge is classic… haha

    • Oh My Words! July 18, 2011 at 11:59 am #

      Yes, that sort of window is quite common here too. Crazy! What are you supposed to do about your job/life/kids/etc.??

  4. Musings of a Mad Molly July 17, 2011 at 9:04 am #

    A bedazzled fridge. It might not quite catch on, but you can try your best, see if your friends will all bedazzle their fridges too.

  5. Carey July 22, 2011 at 5:31 am #

    Wow…this contractor seriously owes you the money for a new fridge…I would not back down on that! Good luck!

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