Dear Other Drivers: You Suck

3 Mar

Dear Other Drivers,

As I was driving to work in the rain today, it came to my attention that you all suck. You alternated between speeding in the torrential downpour and slamming on the brakes for no apparent reason. I suspect that the speeding is due to you ignoring the rain and trying to get to your destination as fast as possible. Are you really that eager to get to work? Here’s a thought–if you had left home a little bit earlier, you wouldn’t have to zip around like your fender is on fire. (Which it very well could be, if you’re the drivers from Hell that I believe you are.) I suspect that the sudden stops are because you were occupied with something else you shouldn’t have been doing. Lady Talking on Cell Phone and Guy Combing His Hair–I’m looking at you. Oh, and Mom With Two Kids in The Backseat? I’m concerned about the lessons your little ones are learning. Monkey see, monkey do, and all that.

Learning experiences are good, and I have a little bit of teacher in me, so allow me to impart some knowledge on you. The turn signal is not only used for turning, but also to indicate when you are changing lanes. It’s a handy thing, the turn signal. It gives the other drivers (with whom you’re sharing the road) a heads up that you will be zooming into their lane. Without it, you and your car appear to rudely cut in front of the other good souls on the road. I promise you that those you cut off will curse you and curse at you 99.9% of the time. I, for example, become very creative when I am mad at other drivers. “I hope you’re impotent!” is my favorite thing to throw their way. Or, “I hope there’s no parking where you’re going!” Sometimes I swear in Italian or make crazy, elephant-like noises. Or I steal from the wordbank of a friend of mine and stick to the satisfying, but less salty, “Swine!” 

You should also know that in California when you need to turn on your windshield wipers, you’re legally required to also turn on your headlights. It’s not an urban legend. If you don’t believe me, it’s in the California Driver’s Handbook. And you know what? It just makes sense–especially for you swine who don’t signal. Maybe your lights will help alert other drivers and save you from baldness and stepping in gum in your good shoes. (I forgot–those are some more of my curses.)

Yes, I know it’s been raining very hard–but c’mon! The rest of the country already makes fun of us for our pampered weather (nevermind that Northern California can actually get quite cold). If you can’t drive safely and responsibly in the rain then what would you have done if it had actually snowed last week? Picture it: a scene of utter chaos where ignorant drivers bring about the death of Justin Bieber, the rise of mutant Republican zombies, and the detachment of California from the rest of the country. Yep, it could happen….and all because of YOU, bad drivers.

You have now been educated, informed, and ranted at. I now feel that I have helped the needy. Now you can help the less fortunate (i.e. anyone who drives near you) by shaping up and driving like a person with a brain.

Respectfully yours,

The Girl in the White Honda That You Almost Hit

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36 Responses to “Dear Other Drivers: You Suck”

  1. tinkerbelle86 March 3, 2011 at 4:44 am #

    this is so funny and so true. thanks for the giggle!

    • Oh My Words! March 3, 2011 at 11:25 pm #

      you’re very welcome! I live to inspire laughs and giggles :-)

  2. derralyn March 4, 2011 at 6:07 am #

    Aaah story of my life!!

  3. hunterpinehurst March 4, 2011 at 11:36 am #

    The only defense is that you don’t drive fast because you’re in a hurry to get to work. You drive fast because you don’t care if you get there at all. We really must slow down.

  4. Maggie March 4, 2011 at 11:41 am #

    This is awesome! I loved driving when I first started, now I seriously dread it if it involves any other cars around me…

  5. gilsongardensinc March 4, 2011 at 2:50 pm #

    You will be happy to know that your sucky drivers have relatives in Ohio and we actually do have snow! Wish I would have written this one! Made me feel better just reading it!

    • Oh My Words! March 5, 2011 at 10:05 pm #

      Glad my “open letter” helped! :-)Oh man, I can only imagine the state of my nerves around bad drivers in actual snow! I highly recommend venting blog-style when you’ve had a particularly bad driving day, you should try it!

  6. Through The Screen Door March 4, 2011 at 3:29 pm #

    hahaha I was just running a similar dialogue through my head this morning as I, also an unfortunate Californian in a vehicle, attempted to arrive at work in one piece! And I must ask, does everyone in your area also either drive like a bat out of hell or like they’ve got 3 tires in the grave??? First, I narrowly avoided being plowed into by some idiot hell-bent on getting into my lane, then I tailed some ignoramous who went through the turn lane at a stoplight so slowly, I didn’t bother shifting my Jeep out of FIRST GEAR! As a note, I don’t even leave stop signs in first gear, it’s THAT slow lol

    • Oh My Words! March 5, 2011 at 10:08 pm #

      “like they’ve got 3 tires in the grave” haha love it!

  7. shreejacob March 4, 2011 at 6:30 pm #

    HAHAHA! Oh wow! I know just how you feel! You’re “lucky” that it happens when it rains, in Malaysia it happens no matter what the weather or the time of day. My favourite curse is “I hope you drive really fast and slam your stupid car into the divider and land in the hospital!!!!” – yea, I’m mean like that :P

  8. Julia March 4, 2011 at 7:47 pm #

    Can I send this to the guy that cut me off twice in thirty seconds last week?

    • Oh My Words! March 5, 2011 at 10:22 pm #

      wouldn’t that be nice? It would be like a public service message!

  9. smilesndreams March 4, 2011 at 9:54 pm #

    Indeed a great post. I have wondered soooo many countless times why people just give that signal when they have to turn! It’s just one push of a button. I have seen those flashy sports cars just making their way through small gaps, and changing lanes while using no indicator lights. It’s especially annoying when you’re on a freeway and it’s actually annoying.

    • smilesndreams March 4, 2011 at 9:56 pm #

      I meant – why don’t they give that signal! :)

    • Oh My Words! March 5, 2011 at 10:29 pm #

      those flashy sports cars are especially annoying, aren’t they?

  10. Shreya March 5, 2011 at 1:45 am #

    Hahahaha =D This is soooo true for even India… I drive daily to work and see such moronic drivers!!
    Thanks for the weekend laugh I sooo needed!

    • Oh My Words! March 5, 2011 at 10:23 pm #

      I’m so happy I could provide a laugh! Good luck on the roads out there!

  11. Ian Webster March 5, 2011 at 6:51 am #

    This is such great news. There is another driver who thinks as I do. I thought I was the only one. Pity you’re in California and I’m in Africa with other drivers in between.
    I have heard it said, however, that speed is a good way to avoid accidents. The longer you are on the road the more chance of having an accident, so get to your destination as fast as possible.
    Love your curses; they’ll have the sailors trembling in their boots :-)

    • Oh My Words! March 5, 2011 at 10:33 pm #

      Driving in Africa sounds like a story waiting to happen! I don’t know about that speeding-to-prevent-accidents thing….sounds like something a heavy speeder thought up…

      Glad you enjoyed my curses. Creative cursing is quite satisfying. :-)

  12. Tisha March 5, 2011 at 12:31 pm #

    Brilliant. I am CONSTANTLY saying the same things about drivers here in California! There is no reason a sprinkle should double my commute time. Honestly, what WOULD they do if it snowed. Scary.

  13. Prada Nurse March 5, 2011 at 12:42 pm #

    I felt the same way EXACTLY living in California. As soon as it rains, all the BAD drivers come out….wtf? It seems as if, with the rain, all their driving abilities are circling the drain…. :(

  14. Crystal March 5, 2011 at 12:51 pm #

    ha ha! I wonder were you in my Northern California town riding on these freeways? Seriously its bad out there. The poster talking about the death wish drivers and the putz’s cracked me up too because its all completely true. I do not understand the 90mph death wish drivers at all and then the other end of I confused the brake peddle with the gas drivers. There is a speed limit use it as your guide.

  15. spidersworkshop March 5, 2011 at 3:55 pm #

    Oh, that made me chuckle!

    We have idiot drivers here in Chile too, but most of them are “colectivo” drivers, (they run fixed routes like buses, but are cars and can stop anywhere on their route, sometimes with no warning!) I especially liked the “colectivo” driver who was watching the Simpsons whiles driving us home on a little TV on the dashboard. At least it kept him driving slow, unheard of in his profession.

    Great post!

  16. Rufus' Food and Spirit Guide March 5, 2011 at 4:21 pm #

    Too funny and it makes me not miss living in California… at least in the rain.

  17. saltybi11 March 5, 2011 at 9:07 pm #

    I don’t know how I keep myself from blogging more about bad drivers… guess I’m always stuck in traffic! Did you make the road sign graphic? Very funny!

  18. Calliana March 6, 2011 at 3:29 am #

    This was hilarious and very true. I’ve subscribed :)

  19. anjelawithaj March 6, 2011 at 6:28 am #

    Thank you for the laughs! You took the words right out of my mouth. BTW I in the Washington DC metro area – the imbeciles aren’t much better here on the east coast.

  20. Prof Newberry March 6, 2011 at 7:49 am #

    Did I write this?? No, I guess not; I just wish I had! :)

  21. Life in Progress March 6, 2011 at 1:19 pm #

    Your post made me laugh out loud. Thank you for that! When behind the wheel, I try to “take the high road.” I really do. My running commentary in a recent storm would likely have made even you blush. You’d think that this late in winter here in Maine people might have gotten the drill down about driving safely in a snow storm. But no: during a storm in Maine, expect to be tailgated as usual, cut off by texting drivers, your car skidded towards by a driver out of control with their hands waving wildly for YOU to get out of the way (exhilarating!) and 90% uncleared windshields even here. Woof.

  22. Gareth March 7, 2011 at 3:57 am #

    Drive carefully and safely better to arrive alive.

  23. Pete Michaggi March 7, 2011 at 5:36 am #

    Abigail – Way too much fun! Thanks a bunch! The curses made me ‘snort’ pretty loud. Especially liked, “hope you’re impotent!” ‘Good Drivers’ of the Mid-West send our regards and thanks! joe

    • Oh My Words! March 7, 2011 at 2:44 pm #

      Glad you enjoyed my venting! Yes, that’s my favorite curse, feel free to use it the next time you encounter a crazy Mid-West driver….

  24. Musings of a Mad Molly June 3, 2011 at 6:11 am #

    Ah, so true. I personally tend to come up with very inventive swear words, which join together existing ones and other random things. Like the other day, I was driving along the duel carridgeway, happy as you like when a guy pulled over from the inside lane, into the outside lane. No indicator used, and he was very sharp about it, and almost hit my car. He would have if it hadn’t been some sharp braking on my part. Upon this, I shouted the wonderful word ‘Tossface’. Similar to ‘tosspot’ and ‘tosser’ but ever so ever so unique.

    Thankfully there were no cars behind us, so my sudden decrease from 70 m.p.h to 50 m.p.h. because of this loonatic wasn’t too bad. But still. What if someone had been behind me?

    Anywho, this post made me chuckle, as they all seem to. I really should be revising, but this seems to be a much better use of my time. Ah well, I still have a coupple of weeks till my next exam.

    • Oh My Words! June 3, 2011 at 1:54 pm #

      Hmmm, I will have to remember “tossface” the next time I’m upset in the car…

      I am the BEST distraction from exams and revising. As Ellen Degeneres says: “Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”
      Good luck with the work–don’t forget to take breaks!

      • Musings of a Mad Molly June 10, 2011 at 11:55 am #

        You shall have to. It is particularly brilliant.

        Thanks :). Some days I take no breaks, and others its one big long break. Probably not the most productive method XD

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